When I was a kid and home sick from school, there was nothing better than a cold Sprite and turning myself into a burrito using blankets on the sofa to watch Unsolved Mysteries while your classmates were doing math.
There’s nothing like an older man in a trench coat tell you in a serious tone that maybe you can help solve a mystery.
Yes!, you think, let’s do this. The episode begins and that dramatic moment ramps up the excitement, even if you can’t breathe through your nose. The case begins in 1976, okay, I wasn’t born yet but I can do this! and takes place in Maine, well I’ve never been there… I’m still in this. Pretty soon you’re seeing that cheerful UPDATE! screen and seeing that the case was solved. Your hopes to solve a crime are dashed.
For the past week I’ve been revisiting those memories as I convalesce and stay indoors with my legs covered in ice. The weather has been nice enough that I wish I could be outside cleaning up the yard before Fall and Winter set in, so to distract myself I’ve been watching Unsolved Mysteries on YouTube. In doing so I’ve found there are a couple of common endings.
Solved and Reunited – it’s nice to see these cases of families reunited after being separated by circumstances but these too leave a little lacking. I’d love to see a 5 year follow up to find out if they still like each other. Side note: it is hilarious to see the fashion of the 80s and 90s and what people wear to see their long lost sister for the first time in 30 years.
Still Unsolved – some of these cases are tragic, the shop owner shot in San Francisco, the woman searching for her family. An update show that revisits evidence would be fantastic, there’s so much that can be done with DNA now. The ones that never get updates are the cases on UFOs, Bigfoot and psychic dreams.
Solved and Captured – it’s great when the criminal profiled is captured, convicted and the case closed. However there are a few other subsets.
Died or in jail – since many of these cases were first profiled in the late 1980s, many of the convicted criminals have died in prison or remain there. Yay!
Jailed until – early on there were episodes where the criminal was captured and the narrator cheerfully said “he won’t be eligible for parole until 2003!” Oh shit.
Released – the absolute worst are the cases where criminals are sentenced to 40 years, serve 4 and are out on parole. These seem like a failure because there was more time searching for a criminal than holding them responsible.
I realize that this show was unique to its time, when families sat down at 8pm to watch the newest episode live together. It’s a core memory for so many kids watching reruns at home, sick on the couch and I appreciate it for the nostalgia alone.
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