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Thursday, June 15th I woke up and went to work, which wasn’t unusual.

Except I had spent the last 2 weeks worrying about my dachshund, Nixon, and was up all night with him.

Our vet appointment was at 11am so I logged in for a morning meeting and worked.

I knew Nixon was dying.

He had gone from 21 pounds of muscle and sass to 9 lbs, skin and bones. He had spent that last night crying, whining from some unknown ailment.

We’d done the tests. Bloodwork was fine. No worms or bugs. Despite losing weight his thyroid was underactive. He had been on a series of meds for a couple weeks but nothing was helping.

So I went to work.

Then we went to the vet, found he had lost more weight and the bloodwork hadn’t improved. It was cancer, the vet was sure of it. We just couldn’t find it without a slew of tests and Nixon was dying. He was in pain and I held him secure in a blanket, swaying him in my arms.

I signed the paperwork. They gave him the shot to go unconscious. Then the shot to end his life.

I paid. Carried him out wrapped up in the blanket.

I met the eye of an older woman who had been complaining about the cost of her dog’s shots and tooth cleaning. She got to take her dog home. I had to bring home a body.

Nix was only 13 years old and, until those last few days, hyper, loving, and would do anything for a treat.

The very worst part of that day was going out to the backyard, in 100 degree heat, and digging a grave with my shovel. Okay but not there because too many rocks, okay here is fine.

It had only been a few hours but he was already stiff.

I carried Wilson out to the yard, then brought Nixon over so he could smell and understand why Nixon was gone.

I filled in the hole.

I cried so much I hyperventilated.

That night there was a massive thunderstorm, the kind that Nixon hated. I sat inside, crying at the idea that he was outside, all alone.

Then I had to tell the people who loved him that he was gone.

Today I did it all again.

Wilson went to the vet on Thursday, he wasn’t eating.

Acute renal failure.

There was some small hope that if we could get his kidneys up to 25% capacity, he could manage on special food and careful observation.

He spent 2 nights at the vet. He still wouldn’t eat but drank and peed, a sign that the kidneys were working.

I visited him on Friday, petting his nose through the cage and careful not to disrupt the fluid drip.

I went to work. Even though, in the space after losing Nixon, this client ended my contract and treated me/my work with enormous disrespect. I went to work.

Saturday I brought Wilson home with kidney friendly food and a port still in his little paw. I held him in my lap and pet him gently.

He wouldn’t eat or drink.

I built him up a castle next to my chair, his favorite bed, layers of blankets, a fan to keep him cool.

I sat in my chair, sewing quietly and watching him. Petting him. Watching him.

About six hours after we came home he breathed his last and I fell to pieces.

I closed his eyes, cleaned his body. Took off the tape holding his IV port in place.

I went back outside, dug a grave. No, not there, too many rocks. Over here, in the shade where he liked to dig and chase squirrels.

It still felt cruel, to lift his lifeless body and put him in the dirt.

I didn’t want to hold onto him, his body, on another hot day with flies already in the house. So I carried him outside and laid him to rest.

Then I went and sat in my pool completely dressed and sobbed some more.

It has been exactly 30 days since Nixon died. I’ve spent 12 of those days battling the flu and dealing with losing a client of over 2 years because they believe I’m easily replaceable.

My heart? It’s over there on the ground all stomped on and smashed to bits.

My body? Still weak, achy and now dehydrated too.

My spirit? Crushed.

Even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, today I told people about Wilson. I posted on socials and texted close friends. I did it because I am thick in the grief and did not want to wring things out.

After all, Monday I have to go to work.

I’m a big fan of opting out of things that don’t bring you joy:

• That company sending you 43 Black Friday promotional emails that you don’t recall signing up for: opt out.
• The obligatory family event where you feel stressed and unhappy: opt out.
• A weekly bitching session with an old friend who can’t seem to move beyond the past: opt out.

But there’s one area of this life we’re living where so many people encourage opting out which I think is making us stupid, unempathetic and ignorant.

Here’s how it sounds…

“You should just turn off the news! All that bad stuff is getting into your brains and cells and making you depressed. Anything important will filter through eventually. Stop listening to all that stuff you can’t change and focus on you!”

Ugh. Even typing that out makes me feel dirty.

First up, let’s be clear about how this usually shows up. Someone in a marketing hat has decided that you can’t focus on “that stuff” and still grow a business, invest in their program, etc. so the logical solution is to willfully ignore the rest of the world and just focus on yourself.

Outcome #1 of this Ignore the News approach is the selfish privilege it creates within you. Not only does this take an incredible amount of callousness, it sets up your life as being entirely focused on your own health, happiness and progress. Fuck everyone else, right?

Clearly the advocates of Ignore the News are not going to say that, but it’s a logical outcome.

There’s an underlying message here: you can’t do anything so why bother? And wow, that’s a dour outlook on reality.

I’m not saying that you must fix the political uprising in Iran and personally oversee the earthquake rebuilding efforts in Indonesia. You don’t need to stop the war in Ukraine or the droughts in the American Midwest.

However, I believe you need to be aware and informed of these world events.

Outcome #2 of Ignore the News is a lack of gratitude. I appreciate so much more what I do have (safety, democracy, rain, relative political stability) when I understand that others are fighting for what I take for granted.

A very close Outcome #3 of Ignore the News is a failure to understand the power and impact we do have. In some cases that power is awareness, because regimes rely on operating in the shadows. Other times our contribution is monetary, giving to those whose homes were destroyed in a hurricane or burned in a fire. Our impact can also be voting, at the ballot box or with our choices. We can choose pro-environment candidates who will protect our planet instead of destroying it in the name of corporate profits. We can opt not to buy from companies that engage in dangerous practices or pressure local entities not to engage in trade with dictators.

When you are aware of the structural impediments to equality, once you understand the damage we do to the environment which has knockdown effect, when you see how policies and choices impact others then you have a responsibility to do better.

And I have come to believe that most people who advocate ignoring the news are doing so in the guise of “spiritual healing” to cover up their unwillingness to be part of the solution.

While you don’t need to be glued to your tv 24/7 and take on the responsibility of solving every problem out there, the other end of the spectrum of know nothing and do nothing is also not acceptable.

A common refrain I hear is that EVERYTHING is too much and I can’t handle knowing all this bad news.

First, that can very much feel true but it’s still not a good reason to opt out of knowing what’s happening in the world.

Second, by doing this you’re also ignoring all the good news! There are always pockets of joy even in the most horrible circumstances. Following the war in Ukraine is hard but seeing their people speak to the media about their resolve and love of country is inspiring.

Third, this is a skill that you need to learn. Emotional regulation and adaptation energy are tools that allow you to experience the good and bad of life without losing your shit. I’ll put it this way: if you decided you couldn’t bear bad news at work about a lost contract or a deal that went bad then you’re not likely to be promoted to a position of authority to handle such circumstances.

Sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine is a poor work strategy and an even worse life reality.

Here are just 5 simple examples about how being engaged in the news and world have helped me lately:

1. From a tweet I learned that one of the nation’s oil refineries was going off-line a few months ago which would impact gas prices. Knowing how volatile things have been I filled up my tank earlier than usual and avoided the two week gas price hike.
2. Following the trial and conviction of Elizabeth Holmes for her fraud in Theranos gave me insights on confidence vs cons and taking personal responsibility in a criminal proceeding.
3. Locally the food bank has had greater needs for donations as food prices are rising so my local party is collecting canned goods and cereal to give. My home is the drop off point and we’ll take the food in before and after the holidays.
4. In Kansas, where I live, the Governor passed a law to cut the food tax which goes into effect in January. This has me eating mostly from the pantry this month to clear out some food before it expires and means when I restock in Jan costs will be lower!
5. A news conference with the Prime Ministers of New Zealand and Finland exposed that some (in the media specifically) still wonder if women can lead countries. This spurs me on that we can do much more to highlight the success of women in leadership positions. A record 24% of US states will be governed by women in the new year and at the same time 4 women sit on the Supreme Court (just 44% but progress!).

I could give hundreds of examples but in the end it comes down to this: you can’t ignore reality because it’s not pretty and shiny, in favor of selfishly improving your own circumstances while others suffer AND, if you do, pretend that it’s a superior way of being in the world. It’s not.

My philosophy can be summed up as:

Stay informed. Give a damn. Help where you can. Make the world better for all of us.

By the way, I don’t even care if you get your news from YouTube or cable tv, newspapers, the internet, Twitter, or emails. How you stay informed is not the point.

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This last weekend I took the opportunity for some time off and a mini road trip right here in Kansas. Now, this was 2 days in some rural areas of the state and nothing compared to my 2020 migration from California when I bought my house (towing a trailer with 2 dogs in the truck) or my Summer 2021 trip to Philly/DC/Virginia for two weeks.

But as I drove, I had a lot of time to think and you might be surprised to hear that I listened to zero podcasts, no radio and just 4 or 5 songs during those 2 days. 

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Music? 

I love a good playlist, whether its one that I’ve cultivated over many years or borrowed from Spotify, it’s great to sing along to favorite songs as the miles pass. I even have a playlist of songs from my friend Mike because hearing his influence across a variety of genres and artists brings me so much joy.

The only caveat, one learned from experience, is to never listen to the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack because it leads to speeding. Just hit play and tell me you don’t start moving faster?

Lately at home I’ve been putting my music app on shuffle and rediscovering old favorites as I do the dishes, iron fabric, or sew. It has begun to take over some YouTube/Netflix time because there’s only so many true crime dramas you can watch before tipping over into paranoia.

But I didn’t listen to music on this road trip, despite buying several CDs at antique shops (wow, that makes me feel old), like the best of Johnny Cash and the soundtrack to Pocahontas. I used to love music while I drove and one notable reason is that singing along really helps when I’m driving late at night or am feeling tired, neither of those were the case last weekend.

One time, years ago, I was taking a day up at South Lake Tahoe when I took some pain pills for a headache. It was only driving home that I realized I had taken some nighttime pain meds which were putting me to sleep. I rolled down the windows, blared music and sang the whole way home. Then passed out for a nap. 

Podcasts

What about listening to a good podcast? There are several which have put out regular episodes and I’ve downloaded them and…. just don’t listen. For one, I find it difficult to listen to something non-fictional when I can’t take notes. Even for pure entertainment, if there’s an interesting quote or turn of phrase, I want to note the time and go back to it, even when I’m driving. 

But the best podcasts, in my opinion, are ones that require some deep thinking, introducing new ideas, perspectives, ways of thinking. And while they feel like something that can easily be done in the car, for the past few years I have reached for them less and less.

I can remember a vacation to Mexico where I was going to be driving from Cancun to a lake very near Belize and I was ready. I listened to 3 audio books and the entire Scene on Radio “Seeing White” podcast series. It was great! 

Now, I will barely get 20 minutes into a well written, recorded and produced podcast and just… stop. 

Over the past few years listening to more audio input feels a little like tipping trash into an already full bin. There’s just not enough mental space to take in more information.

In fact, when I was on my scouting road trip (4,000 solo miles in June 2020), most of the time I didn’t have anything playing in the car as I drove from California to Iowa and back.

What do I do in the car?

The answer to “so what do you do for all those hours in the car?” is quite simple. 

I use the time to think. 

There are a few larger projects coming up on the horizon for me and I’ve used the time on long, lonely country roads thinking about my plans and execution. I think about projects I want to complete at home and how to prioritize them. 

Sometimes I’ll see a beautiful, old home nestled back in the trees and I’ll think about owning a property like that some day. I run through ideas in my head about my writing projects and blog posts.

Now, critically this time and space is available for thinking when I am not in a downtown area, in the midst of rush hour traffic, or navigating a tricky bit of road with construction. I can do this thinking when I’m out on the rural routes with very little company except for some cows.

Oh, and on this trip I also say ostriches and camels which was very exciting!

When I spend my time in deep thought, the miles fly by faster than usual. If the price of gas were not so high I would do it with more regularity.

As an introvert, I have plenty of time where I prefer to be alone, mostly for the benefit of quiet. Right now, for example, I am sitting by the fireplace listening to the pops and feeling the heat while my dachshund, Wilson, burrows in a mess of blankets making a nest on the floor. Years ago I would have insisted that the coffee shop was the best place for me to write, when it was really just a great distraction and chance for fancy coffee and people watching.

While I know it’s not always feasible to have a quiet car ride, especially when you have passengers, I highly recommend it. And if you’re feeling like your brain or adrenal system is overloaded and can’t take any more stimulus, I suggest turning down the volume on anything you can.

Today I watched the 2014 Gone Girl film, one which I have owned for years and never got around to watching. Much of the plot was in the back of my mind thanks to “real life gone girl” Sherri Papini who disappeared from Redding in 2016 and 3 weeks later was dumped on the side of the road in my small town on Thanksgiving morning.

Except Sherri had not really been kidnapped, she staged her own disappearance, torture and abuse while living with an ex boyfriend in Southern California. 

So I went into this film not expecting to like the main character Amy, played by Rosamund Pike. Now, Rosamund is a fantastic actress who played shy and flirty, stuck up, snobby, evil, conniving, manipulative and deceptive all in the span of 2 hours.

Similarly, Ben Affleck does a great job playing Nick, bouncing between a distance husband, cheating bastard, confused SOB, caring brother, frustrated husband and reluctant acceptance of his life.

Kim Dickens plays the lead detective and it threw me for a long time because in certain light I would swear it was Amy Adams doing a great southern accent.

Most of all I hated Rosamund’s Amy for being a self-centered, whiny, entitled bitch. Clearly smart, she turned herself into a victim long before she went on the run. Content to stay at home and plot her revenge on a distant and cheating husband, she took every single choice she’d made in 5 years of marriage and blamed it on her spouse. 

Granted, most of this is told through journal entries designed to deceive the police, but it goes to the mental instability of this woman. 

It’s a theme we see early on in the unfolding of their relationship, she is clearly hung up on her mother’s writing career and how her life provided the fodder for the book series named in her honor. I can’t imagine having a normal life with such odd parents. For example, I thought it beyond weird that after hearing of Amy’s disappearance they would fly to Missouri and already have a website, billboards and an entire command structure set up within 24 hours. It seemed more like marketing than a search operation.

Tyler Perry was a great addition to the cast, his scenes on panel shows and manipulating the media for his client gave a sense of reality to the Nancy-Grace-esque world we live in. 

Other than hating the main characters, which I assume we were meant to, it was a strong film. I wish they’d gone into more detail with Neil Patrick Harris and how his relationship with Amy evolved over 20 years because I was left with a vague sense of the “poor little rich boy” who was obsessed with his ex.

Overall an interesting film and only slightly more absurd than Sherri Papini’s real life “kidnapping.”