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When I was a kid and home sick from school, there was nothing better than a cold Sprite and turning myself into a burrito using blankets on the sofa to watch Unsolved Mysteries while your classmates were doing math.

There’s nothing like an older man in a trench coat tell you in a serious tone that maybe you can help solve a mystery.

Yes!, you think, let’s do this. The episode begins and that dramatic moment ramps up the excitement, even if you can’t breathe through your nose. The case begins in 1976, okay, I wasn’t born yet but I can do this! and takes place in Maine, well I’ve never been there… I’m still in this. Pretty soon you’re seeing that cheerful UPDATE! screen and seeing that the case was solved. Your hopes to solve a crime are dashed.

For the past week I’ve been revisiting those memories as I convalesce and stay indoors with my legs covered in ice. The weather has been nice enough that I wish I could be outside cleaning up the yard before Fall and Winter set in, so to distract myself I’ve been watching Unsolved Mysteries on YouTube. In doing so I’ve found there are a couple of common endings.

Solved and Reunited – it’s nice to see these cases of families reunited after being separated by circumstances but these too leave a little lacking. I’d love to see a 5 year follow up to find out if they still like each other. Side note: it is hilarious to see the fashion of the 80s and 90s and what people wear to see their long lost sister for the first time in 30 years.

Still Unsolved – some of these cases are tragic, the shop owner shot in San Francisco, the woman searching for her family. An update show that revisits evidence would be fantastic, there’s so much that can be done with DNA now. The ones that never get updates are the cases on UFOs, Bigfoot and psychic dreams.

Solved and Captured – it’s great when the criminal profiled is captured, convicted and the case closed. However there are a few other subsets.

   Died or in jail – since many of these cases were first profiled in the late 1980s, many of the convicted criminals have died in prison or remain there. Yay!

Jailed until – early on there were episodes where the criminal was captured and the narrator cheerfully said “he won’t be eligible for parole until 2003!” Oh shit.

Released – the absolute worst are the cases where criminals are sentenced to 40 years, serve 4 and are out on parole. These seem like a failure because there was more time searching for a criminal than holding them responsible.

I realize that this show was unique to its time, when families sat down at 8pm to watch the newest episode live together. It’s a core memory for so many kids watching reruns at home, sick on the couch and I appreciate it for the nostalgia alone.

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A lifetime ago I was a college debate student, traveling all over the US for my school to compete in tournaments. One of the schools that we regularly competed against had an interesting strategy — instead of discussing the policy topic adopted by all the schools for the year they would debate racism in academia and the world. 

Note: this is not the space to debate racism, I am sharing this background to give context. While I did not agree with their approach to the debate, I absolutely know racism is horrific and prevent in our society still.

Competing against this school was a challenge, you don’t want to assert the opposite position (that racism doesn’t exist or matter) but the only ground they wanted to give an opponent was to concede the round because your opponent is a race that is more oppressed. Their belief was that it is a waste of time to discuss policies because the real world impact of racism was more important than a theoretical law we were discussing.

I’m not exaggerating, while their Varsity team members had more advanced arguments, at the novice level the debate typically became “vote for us as we are black” and as a whiter-than-white-bread 18-yo college student it was difficult to navigate the debate round without creating harm.

The argument that won us the most rounds was simple: 

Debate is not real life. It is a place to learn, try on positions and find out what you believe and your opponents believe so you can be a better advocate in real life.

We talked more about personal stories than policy in those rounds. About the overwhelming number of men in debate at the higher levels and how our school supported, scholarshipped and advanced women in debate. About the arguments we would have in the cafeteria back at school and with our roommates about the issues, terrifying anyone close enough to hear us talk about nuclear war over pizza. 

Personally, I talked about how I’d come to college a naive 17-year-old and within a few weeks I was talking to strangers about how the death penalty had deeply problematic and racist roots and how it would better serve justice to abolish it.

Debating for the death penalty in an equal amount of rounds didn’t make me a hypocrite, it won me tournaments and in doing so it taught me to clarify my stance. Since that time I have continued to understand and believe that people commit the most heinous crimes and depraved acts, the death penalty is not the answer. 

It’s my personal belief, one that was forged in the practice of debate. 

The second part of that argument that won us debates was real life. We spoke about the team raising money for young kids in our community who needed school supplies and clothes, serving at the soup kitchen and advocating for change — not at the political level — with individuals we could influence. 

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A personal shift

I realized something, after competing in those debates on racism, the real world, and how debate shapes our reality. 

No one has a mindset shift thanks to a new law or policy.

Do you think millions of Americans said “oh wow, a woman’s autonomy over her body isn’t something I have control over!” post Roe v Wade or did they simply dig their heels in further and decide that pro-life meant they could kill some abortion doctors? And did anyone change their mind that abortion shouldn’t be a protected right after the Dobbs decision last June? Hint: no.

While I am all for the alignment of laws and policy with our beliefs and values as a nation, we do not change hearts with House Resolutions and omnibus bills. 

That work is personal. 

Maybe the only thing I still respect Rev. Jerry Falwell for doing is really hearing dissent when he spoke against abortion in the 1980s. Someone at a rally asked him, “don’t you think more women would choose not to get an abortion if more Christians would adopt their babies?” 

To his credit, Falwell saw that he could be part of a solution and created a place for women to live through their pregnancies, get medical, emotional and financial support, and work with lawyers to place their children for adoption in good homes. He took his talking point “don’t get an abortion,” saw the larger picture, and created a solution that addressed the needs of women seeking abortion.

Our work is also personal.

It’s talking to the neighbor who screamed, “the media can’t call SHIT about the election!” back on November 9th, she who was in deep denial. And maybe passive-aggressively making Happy Inauguration cupcakes. 

Thursday, June 15th I woke up and went to work, which wasn’t unusual.

Except I had spent the last 2 weeks worrying about my dachshund, Nixon, and was up all night with him.

Our vet appointment was at 11am so I logged in for a morning meeting and worked.

I knew Nixon was dying.

He had gone from 21 pounds of muscle and sass to 9 lbs, skin and bones. He had spent that last night crying, whining from some unknown ailment.

We’d done the tests. Bloodwork was fine. No worms or bugs. Despite losing weight his thyroid was underactive. He had been on a series of meds for a couple weeks but nothing was helping.

So I went to work.

Then we went to the vet, found he had lost more weight and the bloodwork hadn’t improved. It was cancer, the vet was sure of it. We just couldn’t find it without a slew of tests and Nixon was dying. He was in pain and I held him secure in a blanket, swaying him in my arms.

I signed the paperwork. They gave him the shot to go unconscious. Then the shot to end his life.

I paid. Carried him out wrapped up in the blanket.

I met the eye of an older woman who had been complaining about the cost of her dog’s shots and tooth cleaning. She got to take her dog home. I had to bring home a body.

Nix was only 13 years old and, until those last few days, hyper, loving, and would do anything for a treat.

The very worst part of that day was going out to the backyard, in 100 degree heat, and digging a grave with my shovel. Okay but not there because too many rocks, okay here is fine.

It had only been a few hours but he was already stiff.

I carried Wilson out to the yard, then brought Nixon over so he could smell and understand why Nixon was gone.

I filled in the hole.

I cried so much I hyperventilated.

That night there was a massive thunderstorm, the kind that Nixon hated. I sat inside, crying at the idea that he was outside, all alone.

Then I had to tell the people who loved him that he was gone.

Today I did it all again.

Wilson went to the vet on Thursday, he wasn’t eating.

Acute renal failure.

There was some small hope that if we could get his kidneys up to 25% capacity, he could manage on special food and careful observation.

He spent 2 nights at the vet. He still wouldn’t eat but drank and peed, a sign that the kidneys were working.

I visited him on Friday, petting his nose through the cage and careful not to disrupt the fluid drip.

I went to work. Even though, in the space after losing Nixon, this client ended my contract and treated me/my work with enormous disrespect. I went to work.

Saturday I brought Wilson home with kidney friendly food and a port still in his little paw. I held him in my lap and pet him gently.

He wouldn’t eat or drink.

I built him up a castle next to my chair, his favorite bed, layers of blankets, a fan to keep him cool.

I sat in my chair, sewing quietly and watching him. Petting him. Watching him.

About six hours after we came home he breathed his last and I fell to pieces.

I closed his eyes, cleaned his body. Took off the tape holding his IV port in place.

I went back outside, dug a grave. No, not there, too many rocks. Over here, in the shade where he liked to dig and chase squirrels.

It still felt cruel, to lift his lifeless body and put him in the dirt.

I didn’t want to hold onto him, his body, on another hot day with flies already in the house. So I carried him outside and laid him to rest.

Then I went and sat in my pool completely dressed and sobbed some more.

It has been exactly 30 days since Nixon died. I’ve spent 12 of those days battling the flu and dealing with losing a client of over 2 years because they believe I’m easily replaceable.

My heart? It’s over there on the ground all stomped on and smashed to bits.

My body? Still weak, achy and now dehydrated too.

My spirit? Crushed.

Even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, today I told people about Wilson. I posted on socials and texted close friends. I did it because I am thick in the grief and did not want to wring things out.

After all, Monday I have to go to work.

I’m a big fan of opting out of things that don’t bring you joy:

• That company sending you 43 Black Friday promotional emails that you don’t recall signing up for: opt out.
• The obligatory family event where you feel stressed and unhappy: opt out.
• A weekly bitching session with an old friend who can’t seem to move beyond the past: opt out.

But there’s one area of this life we’re living where so many people encourage opting out which I think is making us stupid, unempathetic and ignorant.

Here’s how it sounds…

“You should just turn off the news! All that bad stuff is getting into your brains and cells and making you depressed. Anything important will filter through eventually. Stop listening to all that stuff you can’t change and focus on you!”

Ugh. Even typing that out makes me feel dirty.

First up, let’s be clear about how this usually shows up. Someone in a marketing hat has decided that you can’t focus on “that stuff” and still grow a business, invest in their program, etc. so the logical solution is to willfully ignore the rest of the world and just focus on yourself.

Outcome #1 of this Ignore the News approach is the selfish privilege it creates within you. Not only does this take an incredible amount of callousness, it sets up your life as being entirely focused on your own health, happiness and progress. Fuck everyone else, right?

Clearly the advocates of Ignore the News are not going to say that, but it’s a logical outcome.

There’s an underlying message here: you can’t do anything so why bother? And wow, that’s a dour outlook on reality.

I’m not saying that you must fix the political uprising in Iran and personally oversee the earthquake rebuilding efforts in Indonesia. You don’t need to stop the war in Ukraine or the droughts in the American Midwest.

However, I believe you need to be aware and informed of these world events.

Outcome #2 of Ignore the News is a lack of gratitude. I appreciate so much more what I do have (safety, democracy, rain, relative political stability) when I understand that others are fighting for what I take for granted.

A very close Outcome #3 of Ignore the News is a failure to understand the power and impact we do have. In some cases that power is awareness, because regimes rely on operating in the shadows. Other times our contribution is monetary, giving to those whose homes were destroyed in a hurricane or burned in a fire. Our impact can also be voting, at the ballot box or with our choices. We can choose pro-environment candidates who will protect our planet instead of destroying it in the name of corporate profits. We can opt not to buy from companies that engage in dangerous practices or pressure local entities not to engage in trade with dictators.

When you are aware of the structural impediments to equality, once you understand the damage we do to the environment which has knockdown effect, when you see how policies and choices impact others then you have a responsibility to do better.

And I have come to believe that most people who advocate ignoring the news are doing so in the guise of “spiritual healing” to cover up their unwillingness to be part of the solution.

While you don’t need to be glued to your tv 24/7 and take on the responsibility of solving every problem out there, the other end of the spectrum of know nothing and do nothing is also not acceptable.

A common refrain I hear is that EVERYTHING is too much and I can’t handle knowing all this bad news.

First, that can very much feel true but it’s still not a good reason to opt out of knowing what’s happening in the world.

Second, by doing this you’re also ignoring all the good news! There are always pockets of joy even in the most horrible circumstances. Following the war in Ukraine is hard but seeing their people speak to the media about their resolve and love of country is inspiring.

Third, this is a skill that you need to learn. Emotional regulation and adaptation energy are tools that allow you to experience the good and bad of life without losing your shit. I’ll put it this way: if you decided you couldn’t bear bad news at work about a lost contract or a deal that went bad then you’re not likely to be promoted to a position of authority to handle such circumstances.

Sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine is a poor work strategy and an even worse life reality.

Here are just 5 simple examples about how being engaged in the news and world have helped me lately:

1. From a tweet I learned that one of the nation’s oil refineries was going off-line a few months ago which would impact gas prices. Knowing how volatile things have been I filled up my tank earlier than usual and avoided the two week gas price hike.
2. Following the trial and conviction of Elizabeth Holmes for her fraud in Theranos gave me insights on confidence vs cons and taking personal responsibility in a criminal proceeding.
3. Locally the food bank has had greater needs for donations as food prices are rising so my local party is collecting canned goods and cereal to give. My home is the drop off point and we’ll take the food in before and after the holidays.
4. In Kansas, where I live, the Governor passed a law to cut the food tax which goes into effect in January. This has me eating mostly from the pantry this month to clear out some food before it expires and means when I restock in Jan costs will be lower!
5. A news conference with the Prime Ministers of New Zealand and Finland exposed that some (in the media specifically) still wonder if women can lead countries. This spurs me on that we can do much more to highlight the success of women in leadership positions. A record 24% of US states will be governed by women in the new year and at the same time 4 women sit on the Supreme Court (just 44% but progress!).

I could give hundreds of examples but in the end it comes down to this: you can’t ignore reality because it’s not pretty and shiny, in favor of selfishly improving your own circumstances while others suffer AND, if you do, pretend that it’s a superior way of being in the world. It’s not.

My philosophy can be summed up as:

Stay informed. Give a damn. Help where you can. Make the world better for all of us.

By the way, I don’t even care if you get your news from YouTube or cable tv, newspapers, the internet, Twitter, or emails. How you stay informed is not the point.

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This last weekend I took the opportunity for some time off and a mini road trip right here in Kansas. Now, this was 2 days in some rural areas of the state and nothing compared to my 2020 migration from California when I bought my house (towing a trailer with 2 dogs in the truck) or my Summer 2021 trip to Philly/DC/Virginia for two weeks.

But as I drove, I had a lot of time to think and you might be surprised to hear that I listened to zero podcasts, no radio and just 4 or 5 songs during those 2 days. 

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Music? 

I love a good playlist, whether its one that I’ve cultivated over many years or borrowed from Spotify, it’s great to sing along to favorite songs as the miles pass. I even have a playlist of songs from my friend Mike because hearing his influence across a variety of genres and artists brings me so much joy.

The only caveat, one learned from experience, is to never listen to the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack because it leads to speeding. Just hit play and tell me you don’t start moving faster?

Lately at home I’ve been putting my music app on shuffle and rediscovering old favorites as I do the dishes, iron fabric, or sew. It has begun to take over some YouTube/Netflix time because there’s only so many true crime dramas you can watch before tipping over into paranoia.

But I didn’t listen to music on this road trip, despite buying several CDs at antique shops (wow, that makes me feel old), like the best of Johnny Cash and the soundtrack to Pocahontas. I used to love music while I drove and one notable reason is that singing along really helps when I’m driving late at night or am feeling tired, neither of those were the case last weekend.

One time, years ago, I was taking a day up at South Lake Tahoe when I took some pain pills for a headache. It was only driving home that I realized I had taken some nighttime pain meds which were putting me to sleep. I rolled down the windows, blared music and sang the whole way home. Then passed out for a nap. 

Podcasts

What about listening to a good podcast? There are several which have put out regular episodes and I’ve downloaded them and…. just don’t listen. For one, I find it difficult to listen to something non-fictional when I can’t take notes. Even for pure entertainment, if there’s an interesting quote or turn of phrase, I want to note the time and go back to it, even when I’m driving. 

But the best podcasts, in my opinion, are ones that require some deep thinking, introducing new ideas, perspectives, ways of thinking. And while they feel like something that can easily be done in the car, for the past few years I have reached for them less and less.

I can remember a vacation to Mexico where I was going to be driving from Cancun to a lake very near Belize and I was ready. I listened to 3 audio books and the entire Scene on Radio “Seeing White” podcast series. It was great! 

Now, I will barely get 20 minutes into a well written, recorded and produced podcast and just… stop. 

Over the past few years listening to more audio input feels a little like tipping trash into an already full bin. There’s just not enough mental space to take in more information.

In fact, when I was on my scouting road trip (4,000 solo miles in June 2020), most of the time I didn’t have anything playing in the car as I drove from California to Iowa and back.

What do I do in the car?

The answer to “so what do you do for all those hours in the car?” is quite simple. 

I use the time to think. 

There are a few larger projects coming up on the horizon for me and I’ve used the time on long, lonely country roads thinking about my plans and execution. I think about projects I want to complete at home and how to prioritize them. 

Sometimes I’ll see a beautiful, old home nestled back in the trees and I’ll think about owning a property like that some day. I run through ideas in my head about my writing projects and blog posts.

Now, critically this time and space is available for thinking when I am not in a downtown area, in the midst of rush hour traffic, or navigating a tricky bit of road with construction. I can do this thinking when I’m out on the rural routes with very little company except for some cows.

Oh, and on this trip I also say ostriches and camels which was very exciting!

When I spend my time in deep thought, the miles fly by faster than usual. If the price of gas were not so high I would do it with more regularity.

As an introvert, I have plenty of time where I prefer to be alone, mostly for the benefit of quiet. Right now, for example, I am sitting by the fireplace listening to the pops and feeling the heat while my dachshund, Wilson, burrows in a mess of blankets making a nest on the floor. Years ago I would have insisted that the coffee shop was the best place for me to write, when it was really just a great distraction and chance for fancy coffee and people watching.

While I know it’s not always feasible to have a quiet car ride, especially when you have passengers, I highly recommend it. And if you’re feeling like your brain or adrenal system is overloaded and can’t take any more stimulus, I suggest turning down the volume on anything you can.